Published 7th April 2010

“Crocodile Slayer?”. Absolutely, and why not?…If I’d just spent a month sword fighting, I’d be considered highly qualified in that field…..right?. After playing a Gillie for 6 weeks in ‘Almost Heaven”, I believe I have at least acquired the skills to fish for a family of four ….so why not Crocodile Slayer?? ….That’s what I’ve been doing for the last (cold, wet, long, long…OMG were they long!), 10 nights.

Okay, so they’re not exactly real crocodiles, but in my line of work, the imagination is a very powerful and highly tuned tool. Mine is so powerful in fact, that in my mind those 20 ft giant killer crocodiles I single-handedly wrestled and killed,…(all in self defense of course…. I mean, I didn’t make a handbag or shoes or anything). They were all as real to me as the sofa I am snuggled up on.

Faced with these imaginary giants, I of course behaved exactly how I would have if I were faced with Killer Crocs real life. I did not run…no, no. I stood and faced them head on. My first plan of action was to lock my husband and my son in a small bathroom off the lounge. (the lounge?..who ever put a family bathroom off a lounge?).

“Hark”, I hear you cry…”What will become of them?”,…but fear ye not my friends, for there is method in my madness. Just because 3 giant Killer Crocs surprised me by managing to smash their way through the supporting walls of my little WOODEN house, just because they did this, does not mean they’ll get through the much thinner interior wall and the bathroom door. No, no, no…, because, what you’re not realizing is that the bathroom door has a lock!. Makes complete sense now doesn’t it.

Anyway, I of course, darted heroically towards the pending jaws of Crocodile no 1. She’s smaller than the other two, therefore less experienced, and so I concluded that I could in fact…. run up to her face, lean over her massive head and grab the 2 large kitchen knives conveniently placed on the edge of the table behind her..(cheers props).

I deduced that at no time whilst I’m wafting the sweet scent of fresh fearful blood under her snout …at no time during this, would she ever feel a tendency to bite me. As I skillfully envisaged, she did not bite me and I was free to proceed to Action Hero Move No. 2….

“Ha ha, I am brave warrior”, I scream…but only inside my head, cos if I really did that out loud, that would be weird.

I demi plie and extend my right leg straight in front of me. I am Grande Jetéing across the room, right over the Croc heads…. I notice my toes are pointed, I’m disappointed in myself, but this cannot be helped… ‘Once a dancer……’

The oversized creatures did not notice me fly gracefully above them because contrary to popular belief, crocodiles don’t actually have most of their senses, ie/ their nostils, ears AND eyes on top of their heads!. No, no, on Lake Placid, they are well known for having them on the underside of their jaw. Absolutely true!.

I land on the back of the sofa. I assume my most threatening pose possible, teeth bearing, kitchen utensils poised. “Ta da!, I have my tools, I have the power, I will jump on your back and stab you in the head… (again…. in self defense). I will then find the strength to saw my way through the thick hide on your neck and hack apart your huge bones with a cheese knife , remove your head from the rest of your body and discard it recklessly but making sure it lands exactly on top of that luminous orange marker over there!”.

With a roar of raging desire to protect my child and the man I love, Action Hero Move No 3 commences. I spring onto the floor , landing in a beautiful full plié, of course and slam my meat clever right between the eyes of Croc No 2. The other female actor in the room is fearlessly fighting the other 2 beasts. Her biceps bulge to their fullest, a whole 9 cm circumference. Just knowing she has my back makes me feel at least 1 1/10th times stronger than I normally do on my own. Great...

“Take this you crazy Croc!, and this and one of these and..”, “CUT”. FADE OUT-FADE UP TO……….

MASSACRE: A decapitated Croc head. A tongue like a tangerine filled wet stocking hanging lifelessly from the side of it’s mouth .. ….or it’s actually still just a luminous orange marker (depending on your imagination skills and the CGI ).

The camera tracks to reveal a mass of scattered crocodile parts. We catch sight of a….. a human hand. It’s soaked in blood (well, in sticky, sweet, red, sugary stuff ). Our heroin is huddled on the floor, like a frightened child. Can she move?……can she….. Yes!!.Yes!…she’s trying, but due to her over enthusiasm with a bottle of fake blood, her knees are now securely stuck to her chest. A rueful feeling consumes her as the substance dries and tightens on her skin. She is now ** highly uncomfortable and feels a little bit of a twit as she still has 6 working hours left in this costume.

Her husband and son exit the bathroom, just at the exact same time as the camera pans onto the door…I mean , what are the chances?.. The husband cracks a jolly little joke, then decides their best chance of survival is to get out of the house….head for the lake, it’s edges hard to determine due to the thick blanket of fog that lies eerily upon it. Clamber into a little WOODEN boat, and sail off into the water. Yep, the very same water where the Crocs actually live.

Still, against the odds,we survived. Due to our brave, if not slightly stupid choices, a dead chicken and a zippo, my husband and I defeated every one of those pesky Crocs ..he single handedly kills the last and largest one of course….“I mean I only fight them with my bare hands, BARE hands I tell you!… He gets a gas station and a lighter and he’s the hero?!”.

Anyway, after not very much consideration at all, I believe I am now qualified enough to add Croc Slaying to the **highly skilled section** of my resume. Above** horse riding and **French… “What?! , I sat on a horse …once, for a WHOLE scene… and I could definitely ask where the nearest shoe store is in Paris”. In fact I’m pretty sure I could find the nearest shoe shop in any country!.

So, Croc Slayer it is . I mean, it’s** highly unlikely I’ll ever be asked to prove it …and, even less likely they’d make another scary movie with exactly the same concept, in exactly the same location, with different actors, …..AGAIN!. .Surely not… Lake Placid 4?…never……

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